Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize