I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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