her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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