Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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