It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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