I think i peed on brittanys purse
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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