im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
