This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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