You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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