That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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