My cat gives me a boner
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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