You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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