I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
