Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
