someone threw a dead crab at me
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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