I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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