Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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