I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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