Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
