sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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