I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
