Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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