Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
