There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
