Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
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Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
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Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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