God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
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