The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
