Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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