I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
