Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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