I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
