I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
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It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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