I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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