I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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