Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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