I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
