Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Someone stole a lamp last night.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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