and you said cock pushups were impossible
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
