I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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