sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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