My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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