dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
