Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
