and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
