instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize