The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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