Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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