I think my fart just growled at me.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
