dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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