Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.