Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You have to summon your inner elephant
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.