Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
