You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
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oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
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I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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