She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful