if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
