I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
