dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
