White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
