I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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