you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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