I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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