if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
