ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you didnt know i had herpes?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
cat food counts as protein by the way
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
